Suicidal Tendencies
by qsmadness007
Summary: A multicharacter multichapter angst piece ..not completed
1. Chapter 1

Suicidal Tendencies  
Disclaimer: Most of these characters are owned by Kevin Williamson  
Dedication: Dedicated to God who gave me the talent to write, all the readers, and all the people who have supported me in my life.  
A/N: This story is told from multiple viewpoints, and is set in multiple episodes. A lot of this story is internal monlogue. Also, it may contain dialogue from the show, but some of may not be exactly word for word since it is from the particular character's memory or perception of the event.

Part 1: Jackers wishes he could fly.

(Set in Season 5, episode 100 light years from home.

What am I doing? I am not sure anymore. To people I seem to not care that I am failing school, that I have completely fucked up my life. I keep trying to project this image that I am the happy partyier. Which isn't me exactly? I am tired of this struggle, trying to live up to people's expectations, to live up to my expectations. I have this thought in my head that I have to do something good, since my whole life seems at times a political struggle.  
Damn, I shouldn't say that. It reminds me of Tobey. I really fucked it up with him. I wish I could take it back and start over. I really liked him. I feel bad that I don't know how to make people I love top priority. I don't even know how to make myself top priority. And now he has another boyfriend, probably one he is going to be with for a long time. And he is probably a great boyfriend. One who will probably drop everything at a drop of a hat. I am going to end up lonely for the rest of my life.  
So, I have been finding myself climbing the roof, and sitting up here. I wonder what it would be like to jump into the swimming pool. I wonder if I would drown. Would anyone care? What am I saying, I guess people will care. But I don't care anymore. I am not worth it. I am a disgrace.  
Jen and Joey came by earlier and got me down to go to the store. I am seeing the suspicion in Jen's eyes that she is starting to worry about me, but I can't tell her. Especially the talks we had a long time ago about teen suicide, except then, I was asking her if she needed the intervention. The truth is though, I know I probably need one, I don't want one. I would rather use alcohol to try to mask my problems. Not a good solution I know, but it is better than other solutions.  
I had a feeling the other day before spring break, that something is wrong with me. I went to the free psych center to get an evaluation. I didn't tell anyone this. Apparently, I have depression. I am not thrilled about this, with my family history. I don't want to be on drugs for the rest of my life. And why shouldn't I be depressed, all I manage to do is fuck things up. I have a feeling that any future relationship I am going to fuck up. I mean my batting average is not the greatest, I broke up with Joey because I realized I was gay, I lost Ethan because I didn't have the courage to be what he wanted, I lost Tobey because I am a stupid fucking idiot, who cared more about that stupid fraternity. I don't even remember why me and Kate broke up, but I mean it isn't like she probably hasn't found some nice guy to love forever. And that is my problem, I am never going to find someone who will just accept me for the way that I am.  
I am surprised at times I have friends, since I have a tendency to push everyone away in my life. Especially right now, I have been such an ass. I don't even know why. There is no need for a complete change in a person's personality, but I did. I guess it because I didn't want to be seen as the sad lonely geek that I really am. No one wants someone who thinks cereal should be eaten at all times, or who watches the weather channel sometimes for fun.  
Plus, a lot of people I know, think because I am handsome, or whatever, that I am not supposed to have problems. That I probably got everything easy in life, and there is no need for me to have problems. That if I wanted I could conquer the world. The truth is, I can't. I haven't had it easy, and I am human I have problems.  
Right now I know I have a major one but I am not sure what to do. It looks like everyone else has gone off somewhere. I wonder if I could jump into the pool. Damn, there is Dawson. I will make him drink I am drunker than I am. "Dawson Leery, is that you? WOOHOO."  
"Jack, is that you?" He starts walking towards me.  
"Hey check me out man! WOO!" I walk closer to the edge of the roof.  
He laughs nervously. "Be careful up there."  
I wonder what I should tell him. That I am dancing with death, then, it hits me. I stretch my arms wider. "Hey, look, I can fly."  
He seems to be concerned, and he is getting closer to me. "Hey, why don't you get down."  
"Ok, I'll be right down." I dive off the roof into the pool, and let the water take me.


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2: An out for Jen  
(Takes place during Parental Discreation Advised)

I am listening to that stupid Rembrant song on the radio. The one they made a theme song of that stupid show. But seriously, if it hasn't been your day, or week, or year, or life, shouldn't you just give up.  
Usually, I listen to angry femme rock, but I am trying to get my mind off the stuff I am researching in this paper. It is on teen suicide. Our teacher told us that we had to pick a topic that could be considered a series topic that a lot of people considered debatable. We have to research all sides of the issue. I chose this topic because I have been thinking a lot about it lately. I think Jack is starting to get concerned. Mainly because I have been up the last couple of nights almost the whole night working on it. I also think part of it is that he is getting lonely and he wants to hang out. I can understand why though, the house is pretty empty without many people in it. Plus, I know that is one of the reasons he asked me to be his roommate, because he misses his family, and he doesn't want to be in the house by himself.  
I am glad for the company. And I feel bad thinking about ending my life. He has been so good inviting me into his house. And things have been a bit better, and I think sometimes I am actually here hanging out with him, and he makes me feel like I belong here. This is one of the reason though he knows I have this big paper, I haven't told him the topic yet. I keep telling him I am deciding the topic, but tomorrow it is due.  
He is being good though, and studying for some of his other finals, and letting me work. I don't want to tell him that I have been thinking of suicide lately, which is one of the reasons I chose this topic. I wanted to know if it was something that was normal. But the research that I was looking at sad a high percentage have considered it. So, I am glad that at least things like this, I can be normal about.  
I don't want him to know I have been thinking of it. He is trying his best to be a friend, but also give me the space I need, and not bring up subjects I don't want to talk about. I feel scarred though, broken, and lost sometimes. And I wonder what keeps me going.  
I had a dream about my funeral last night. My parents didn't even show up. This is one of the reasons that I don't want to tell Jack. Suicidal thoughts are something that I know he can't handle by himself, and he will feel obligated to try an intervention or something. But the truth is just because I am having these thoughts, doesn't mean I am going to act on them. Some people, like my parents, will probably think it is a cry for attention. That I am trying to once again ruin their perfect little lives.  
I also don't think I have the courage to kill myself. But it would be nice sometimes if life would give me an out. Some way where I don't have to do anything myself. I don't think I belong here. I mean what kind of cruel joke is it this guilt I fear for all the things that happened recently, especially for the fact that Abby is dead. It is my fault she died. And all I want is the world to stop this pain, this hatred I feel for myself, to resolve me of the guilt, is that too much to ask.


End file.
